I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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