I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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