highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
