Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
