it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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