So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
This is my gift to your gina
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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