went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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