I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
