Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
