I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
