I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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