you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
do nipples grow back?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
