I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
