can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
