Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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