I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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