I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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