Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
as a side note pls kill me
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