wrigley field is MILF paradise
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
