At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
