Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
