Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
