i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
