UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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