used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
