there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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