Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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