I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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