the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
