just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
