anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
do herpes really smell.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
