is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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