There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
