My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
