at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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