I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
