Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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