An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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