Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
the condom got lost in my hair
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
