I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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