Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
