apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
