im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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