Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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