This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
