Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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