I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
