Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
This house was built for laser tag.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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