i just sent this text using only my big toe
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
