sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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