he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
