i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize