he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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