I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
