Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize