Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
