I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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