My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
