The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
