i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
So here I am, sexting at work.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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