When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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