i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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