you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
